Brothers and sisters! My khutba today is on the topic: “The Family Institution in Islam.” Family, as we know, constitutes the foundation of a society. Its strength or weakness determines the strength or weakness of its society. It is no secret that the western society as a whole is in a deep social crisis. This is primarily due to breakdown of the family institution. This breakdown of western families is proceeding at an alarming speed. It is estimated that every thirteen seconds, someone, somewhere files for divorce in the United States.
We live in an era in which the nature, function, and structure of the family have been thrown into question. Many, for example, would consider an unmarried couple, a single mother, and homosexual couples as equally legitimate expressions of the family unit. Islam takes a more conservative stand, arguing that the family is a divinely inspired institution, with marriage at its core.
An Islamic family begins with likeness between two families of the spouses. Marriage in Islam is a civil contract between two individuals – man and woman, with the backing of their respective families. As such the two families with all their human, economic, and wisdom resources are at the service of the newly wedded couple. And all these resources are available for the two spouses if there is any problem.
Marriage in Islam requires consent of the two prospective spouses entering marriage, and is signed and agreed upon and witnessed by guardians and elders of the spouses. This becomes a legal and binding document. It is a commitment of the spouses and their families to each other, and therefore it increases the sense of responsibility among them and induces a spirit of sacrifice for each other. As a result Muslim families are more stable as indicated by relatively lower divorce rate in Muslim countries.
Because Islam considers marriage a very serious commitment, it has prescribed certain measures to make the marital bond as permanent as humanly possible. The parties must strive to meet the conditions of proper age, general compatibility, reasonable dowry, good will, free consent, unselfish guardianship, honorable intentions, and judicious discretion. When the parties enter into a marital contract, the intention must be clear to make the bond permanent.
The courtship between a Muslim husband and wife starts after marriage, and not before marriage. This grows and becomes stronger with passage of time. In the western system, love and courtship start before marriage. Our understanding from the Qur’an and Sunnah is that people of the opposite gender should avoid situations, relationships, or actions that might lead to a violation of the principle that couples should abstain from sexual intimacy until after marriage. Living in the West, it is important to emphasize on our brothers and sisters in faith to stay chaste, to guard the elements of respect and shame within their God-given bodies, to consult with parents regarding selection of marriage partner, and to live in close contact with the extended family as much as possible.
Since people in western societies tend to be individualistic, the essential ingredient of sacrifice for each other is generally missing. Therefore, marriages have a very fragile relationship and people stay married as long it is convenient for them. Each of the couple insists on fulfilling his or her personal peculiarity, and none is willing to give in. And when problems develop along with declining morals, they seek comfort elsewhere which results in disloyalty, which is so very common. Finding a solution to marriage problems takes time and instead of waiting, most marriages end up in divorce courts.
In Islam a woman, married or single is seen as a person in her own right, and not merely an adjunct to another person. As such, she has full right of ownership and disposal of her own property and earnings, even after marriage. When she is married, she retains her family name, instead of adopting her husband’s name. The Prophet (SAW) said, “A believing man does not despise a believing woman. If he dislikes some behavior of hers, he finds satisfaction with another.”
The Creator’s perfect wisdom is that He has created both men and women from the same species, and He has created them both with the same matter. Yet the two have been created with different physical structures, different mental and psychological qualities, and different emotions and desires. And then there has been created such a wonderful harmony between the two that each is a perfect counterpart of the other. The physical and psychological demands of one squarely match with the physical and psychological demands of the other. Women and men do not compete with each other. They complement each other.
Islam assigns the family leadership role to men. Therefore, men are responsible for supporting all female relatives in addition to their own household. This is clear from the following verse of the Qur’an:
الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.” (al-Nisa’, 4:34)
What does the word ‘Qawwam’ (قوّام) mean? It means standing, being active, involved, being protective, constant source of support, providing security, maintainers and caretakers. It does not mean having the upper hand. It also means that men have to repeatedly evaluate if they are being fair to the women. Allah (SWT) has placed this responsibility on all men.
Also, note that the word Ar-Rijalu (ٱلرِّجَالُ) means men; not just husbands, implying that men are responsible for women in the family that include wife, mother, sister, daughter, or other dependent close female relatives. In the few words of this verse, Allah (SWT) is telling men to provide and protect their women and give them security. In a hadith, the Prophet (SAW) said: “Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith is the one whose character is excellent, and the best of you are those who are best to their women.”
Allah (SWT) has made women biologically and psychologically suited to concentrate on the home and family and all that is required to operate and develop this institution and its associated areas. This is a tremendous responsibility, which no one else can either take away from them or adequately attend to it. It is wisely said that the function of child-bearing remains incomplete without its more crucial part of child-rearing and upbringing, their education, orientation, character-building and general initiation into religion and culture. It is because of this aspect that family care becomes a full-time job. No other institution or even a number of institutions can take care of this function.
However, differences in roles or functions between men and women do not mean differences in their humanity, or that one is superior to the other. The Qur’an tells us at several places on the equality of men and women before Allah (SWT). We have in Surat an-Nisa’,
وَمَنْ يَعْمَلْ مِنَ الصَّالِحَاتِ مِنْ ذَكَرٍ أَوْ أُنْثَى وَهُوَ مُؤْمِنٌ فَأُولَئِكَ يَدْخُلُونَ الْجَنَّةَ وَلَا يُظْلَمُونَ نَقِيرًا
“If any do deeds of righteousness – be they male or female – and have faith, they will enter heaven. And not the least injustice will be done to them.” (al-Nisa’, 4:124)
A question is often raised: Do Muslim women have to stay at home or can they work? This depends on the family’s culture and circumstances. It is not necessarily based on religion. Nothing in the Qur’an or hadith prohibits women from working. In fact, in most Muslim communities, numerous Muslim women work outside the home. However, while working outside the home, they must operate within the parameters set by Islam which includes maintaining their modesty and chastity at all times. Of course, men too are obligated and morally bound to maintain their modesty and chastity at all times. May Allah (SWT) give us a deep understanding of the noble deen of Islam.
أَقُولُ قَوْلِي هَذَا وَأَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ لِي وَلَكُمْ وَلِسَائِرِ المُسْلِمينَ وَالمُسْلِمَاتْ فَاسْتَغْفِرُوهْ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على سيد المرسلين وعلى آله وأصحابه أجمعين
Brothers and sisters! The Qur’an gives us an insight into the spousal relationship when it describes wives and husbands as being garments for one another.
هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ
“They are like a garment for you, and you are like a garment for them.” (al-Baqarah, 2:187).
Why would Allah (SWT) compare a husband or wife to a garment? Perhaps one compelling reason is that we wear our clothes very close to our bodies. Similarly, spouses should be held close to each other – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Just as garments cover us and protect us, so also the spouses must cover each other’s shortcomings and protect each other from any harm.
When it comes to the subject of building a strong Muslim family, we must value the meaning of what it means to be a Muslim. The Prophet (SAW) said, “The Muslim is the one from whom other Muslims are safe from his hand and tongue.” This brings us to the question: “How does Islam view domestic violence and spousal abuse?” Both domestic violence and spousal abuse violate the Islamic principle of respect for human dignity.
Statistics reveal that every nine seconds in the U.S. a woman is either assaulted or beaten. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice more likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.
It should be a cause of great concern for us that among American Muslims also, there are frequent reports of domestic violence and increased divorces. We must reform ourselves as well as teach others about the beauty of Islam. It is a vital role that we have to play for our good, the good of our country where we live, and the wider humankind.
The Prophetic Traditions are explicit instructing believers not to mistreat women; rather to treat them with kindness and dignity. The Prophet (SAW) did not abuse any of his wives or children. His biographies do not record a single incidence of him having hit a woman or even a child. He always condemned those who did. As for the children and elderly, he said, “He who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect for our elders is not from us.”
Man is ordained by God to extend his utmost help and kindness to his relatives, to show them true feelings of love and care. It might be interesting to note that the world ‘kinship’ in Arabic is derived from an Arabic root word which means ‘mercy’ (Rahm and Rahmah). The extension of kind treatment to relatives is described by the Prophet (SAW) as a Divine blessing of one’s life and provisions. It is a sacred duty to be good to the kin even though they may not respond in a similar way. The duty is enjoined by Allah and should be observed for the sake Allah.
May Allah (SWT) enable us to follow His commandments and the teachings and example of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) so that we become the best husbands, the best wives, the best parents and the best children and be an example for the society to follow. May Allah bless us to live upon faith, die upon faith, and May He unite us in the heavenly abode with our loved ones and with the righteous ones.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord! grant us joy in our wives and children and make us a model for the righteous.” (al-Furqan, 25:74)
Allahumma Ameen.
