Brothers and sisters! The topic of my khutba today is ‘Parent-Child Relationship.’ The parent-child relationship in Islam is complementary in nature, which means that there are not only the parent’s rights and the child’s duties, but also the child’s rights and the parent’s duties, and this is what makes this relationship holistic and complete.
We all know that there is almost always a generation gap between parents and their children. What is generation gap? It is a difference in values and attitudes between one generation and another, especially between young people and their parents. However, the fact that parents are advanced in age and are generally believed to be more experienced does not by itself validate their views or certify their standards. Equally, the young are not necessarily always correct simply because of their youth or idealism.
In various contexts, the Qur’an cites instances where the parents were proven wrong in their encounter with their children and also where children misjudged the position of their parents. For example, in Surat al-An’am, Ibrahim (AS) says to his father,
أَتَتَّخِذُ أَصْنَامًا آلِهَةً إِنِّي أَرَاكَ وَقَوْمَكَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ
“Do you take idols as gods? I see that you and your people are clearly misguided” (al-An’am, 6:74). And in Surat Hud, at the time of the great flood, Nuh (AS) says to his son,
يَا بُنَيَّ ارْكَب مَّعَنَا وَلَا تَكُن مَّعَ الْكَافِرِينَ
´My son! Come on board with us. Do not stay with the disbelievers (Hud, 11:42). So, in one case the son is cautioning the father, and the other, the father is warning the son.
More significant, perhaps, is the fact that customs, traditions, culture, or the parents’ value system and standards do not in themselves constitute truth and righteousness. Furthermore, the Qur’an emphasizes the fact that if loyalty or obedience to the parents is likely to alienate the individual from Allah, that person must side with Allah (SWT). However, even under such a situation, the parents have to be honored and taken care of in the worldly life.
As far as the right of parents is concerned, it appears immediately next to the right of Allah (SWT) in numerous verses of the Qur’an. Allah (SWT) reminds us again and again to treat our parents with goodness. We have in Surat al-Baqarah,
وَإِذْ أَخَذْنَا مِيثَاقَ بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ لا تَعْبُدُونَ إِلَّا اللَّهَ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا
And we have in Surat an-Nisa’,
وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلَا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا
And we have in Surat al-An’am,
قُلْ تَعَالَوْا أَتْلُ مَا حَرَّمَ رَبُّكُمْ عَلَيْكُمْ أَلَّا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا
The meanings of all these divine words sum up to two things: (1) Do not associate or ascribe anything or anyone with Allah (SWT), and worship Him alone, and (2) Be good to your parents.
While both parents deserve our best treatment, yet our mothers enjoy a still higher status as is evident from Prophetic traditions. We can appreciate this when we realize the agony of childbirth a mother undergoes and all other hardships and sacrifices she has to go through in bearing and rearing her children.
This, however, is not to say that one should treat one’s father just as a mere individual. The father can play an important role, far beyond from just being the bread winner of the family. The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) himself was a role model as a father. According to a hadith, “In the good pleasure of the father lies the good pleasure of the Creator and in his displeasure lies the displeasure of the Creator.”
Being good towards parents involves compassion, understanding, and thankfulness toward them. It also involves honoring their legitimate commitments. Children are responsible for the support and maintenance of their parents. It is an absolute religious duty to provide for the parents in case of need, and help them to make their lives as comfortable as possible. Parents also have the right to expect obedience and respect from their children.
While good treatment of parents is regarded as one of the most virtuous acts, mistreating them is one of the major sins in Islam. Making our mothers and fathers angry with us is making Allah (SWT) angry with us. On one occasion, when the Prophet (SAW) was asked about the big sins, he said, “Associating partners with Allah (SWT), being defiant and disobedient to one’s parents, killing someone without a just cause, and giving a false testimony.”
It should be clear that rights of parents do not end with their death, but remain in force even after they are deceased. This is made clear through a hadith according to which some of the rights of parents continue to be operative even after their death, and these are: (1) To pray for them, (2) to ask Allah (SWT) to forgive them, (3) to fulfill the promises and covenants that they left unfulfilled, and (4) to be kind to their friends, and to keep the ties of kinship intact. There is a well-known du’a in the Qur’an that says,
رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
“My Lord, have mercy upon them as they have raised me when I was small” (al-Isra’, 17:24). There is another Qur’anic dua that teaches us to say,
رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ الْحِسَابُ
“Our Lord, forgive me, my parents, and the believers on the Day of Reckoning” (Ibrahim, 14:41). May Allah forgive us, our parents, and all believers; ameen.
أَقُولُ قَوْلِي هَذَا وَأَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ لِي وَلَكُمْ وَلِسَائِرِ المُسْلِمينَ وَالمُسْلِمَاتْ فَاسْتَغْفِرُوهْ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على سيد المرسلين وعلى آله وأصحابه أجمعين
Brothers and sisters! Having spoken of the rights of parents, let us also consider the rights of children and duties of parents toward them. Among the rights of children are: the right to life, the right to legitimacy, and the child’s right to socialization and general care.
Preservation of the child’s life is a commandment in Islam. Anything leading to termination of the child’s life is forbidden. The right to legitimacy means that every child shall have a father, indicating that the child should be born within wedlock, and not out of a pre-marital or an extra-marital relationship. A third set of rights comes under socialization, upbringing, and general care. It is the parents’ obligation to shelter, feed, clothe, educate, support, nurture, and love their children. To take good care of the children is one of the most commendable deeds in Islam.
Islam considers children to be an amanah (trust) given to the family. The Qur’an points out that a child is the joy of life as well as source of pride. But it hastens to caution parents against over-confidence, false pride, or misdeeds that might result from having children.
We can benefit from the Prophet’s example when it comes to raising our children. If we follow the example of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) in the way he cared for children, we will, inshaAllah, be successful in raising our own children. We need to give more credit to the minds of our children. We should not underestimate their intelligence. We must hold them in esteem and respect their feelings and teach them in turn to have respect for others. This allows the children to develop intellectually and socially.
The Prophet (SAW) always showed the upcoming generation that he respected them and held them in high esteem. This is made clear by a hadith: Sahl ibn Sa’d said that the Prophet (SAW) was brought a cup and he drank from it. There was a boy, the youngest of all the people, on his right and some elders on his left. The Prophet (SAW) said, “O young boy, will you allow me to give this to these elders?” The boy said, “I will not give away my share of your blessings to anyone, O Messenger of Allah,” so he gave the cup to him. This is how a child develops strength of personality and a keener intellect instead of a negative outlook and poor self opinion.
We must also be just in our dealings with our children. Justice is of utmost importance to provide the child with a sense of stability. It prevents children from being jealous of one another and prevents undesirable competition between them. Injustice can occur in such minor matters as kissing one child more than another or smiling at him more or giving him preference in food and clothing.
We must be friendly and sometimes even playful with our children. They should not be denied the right to play and have fun. Play invigorates and enlivens children as long as it is allowed within reasonable limits. It allows their personalities to form properly and encourages their emotional development. Denial of this need makes children introverted and fearful of others. We must strive to bring up our children for the pleasure of Allah (SWT) and not just so our child can be better than others. We must encourage good behavior in our children whenever they exhibit it. Merely lecturing them is not the most effective approach. What is required is to speak to them a good word and then to be a living example for them.
Sometimes people are heard saying “We need not express our love to prove that it is there, it is enough to have a loving heart.” But the fact is that only when one expresses love to a child will the child feel more confident and stronger. Children have the capacity to easily distinguish when there is a difference in the attitude of the adults. Whether an adult shows or does not show love will have a significant impact on a child. Hence, adults have to be conscious with their behavior in the child’s presence and be constantly aware of the emotions they project to their children.
Some people who were not able to understand the power of expressing love to children wondered why the Prophet (SAW) played with children and took such an interest in them. It is narrated that once the Prophet (SAW) kissed Hasan ibn `Ali while one of his companions by the name of Al-Aqra` ibn Habis al-Tamim was sitting with him. Al-Aqra` said, “I have ten children and have never kissed one of them.” The Prophet cast a look at him and said, “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” It is said that if the Prophet (SAW) was seated and his daughter Fatima would enter he would get up and kiss her between her eyes. And therefore when he was about to die, she could tell because he was unable to stand up to kiss her. Look at the affection, softness and sweetness of the Prophet (SAW).
Let me conclude by saying that living with some of the wrong ideas and practices found in the legacy of our culture, back home, or being deeply influenced by the dominant culture of the West; either way we stand to lose. Islam is the only way. It teaches us, not through man-made laws, but through divine instructions how to keep the bond of love, affection, and compassion within the family.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord! Grant us joy in our wives and children and make us a model for the righteous.” (Al-Furqan, 25:74). Allahumma ameen.
