My dear respected brothers and sisters! Here in USA, there are two special days that are celebrated to honor parents – Mother’s Day celebrated on the second Sunday of May and Father’s Day celebrated on the third Sunday of June. Mother’s Day is a day set aside to appreciate and honor mothers. Father’s Day is a day set aside to appreciate and honor fathers.
Mothers put up with the burden of pregnancy, tolerate the pain of childbirth, and sacrifice their own comfort to provide comfort to their children. Therefore, people naturally feel inclined to place the mother at the centre of the process of raising children, but they unwittingly ignore the father’s role. As a result, they often tend to focus on the father as a mere individual, not as someone who should and can play a central role within his family. It is important to note that the role of a father is highly recognized in Islam. According to a hadith, “The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of one’s father and the anger of the Lord is in the anger of one’s father.
InshaAllah in today’s khutba, I’ll be sharing some thoughts with you on the concept of fatherhood from the Islamic perspective. Islam as we know is a complete code of life and gives guidance with regard to every aspect of life. It outlays a complete code of family life, which is the building foundation of every society. A clear guide as to how family structure should be built is outlined in detail in Islam. Besides the mother, the role of the father is also very significant in a Muslim family. Islam confers different roles of man and woman. As such, women do not compete with men rather men and women complement each other.
A father is not just a breadwinner, but also a teacher, guide, mentor, and shepherd of the entire family. There is an overall culture within Muslim families to show respect to one’s parents through gestures such as: not addressing them by their names, not shouting or talking back to them, greeting them with respect, not smoking in front of them, trying to fulfill their requests and wishes to the best possible extent, and respecting their opinion because they are wiser and more experienced.
It is sad to see children in the Western world generally not showing proper respect to their parents and teachers, which they rightfully deserve. The fathers are mostly treated as mere breadwinners responsible only for getting food on the table and meeting other family expenses. Working like machines, fathers have to put in long hours at work and may even have to remain away from home in case their jobs require frequent travelling. This work schedule of fathers has almost become a global phenomenon depriving them of their authority as guardians and shepherds of their families. This results in fathers delegating this responsibility to the mothers. It is difficult rather impossible for mothers to handle and manage both the roles: as homemakers and as guardians.
The roles of mothers and fathers have been clearly outlined and assigned in a prophetic tradition which says, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.”
Islam encourages the need to show continuous kindness, respect, care, and concern towards fathers as it can often be difficult to keep a steady balance between working, taking care of a household, and fulfilling the many roles of a father. Abu Hurairah (RA), one of the close companions of the Prophet (SAW), always encouraged other people to be kind and good to their parents. One day he saw two men walking together and inquired of the younger one, “Who is this man to you?” to which the young man replied, “He is my father”. Abu Hurairah advised him by saying, “Do not call him by his name, do not walk in front of him, and do not sit before your father does.”
There is much emphasis given in Islam on the intention behind any action. This being the case, a Muslim father must check his intentions and ask himself several questions such as: Why did I get married? Why do I want children? Is it because everyone around me is getting married and having children? No! Basically, I should get married because it is a recommended practice (Sunnah) of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW). I should get married to safeguard myself from falling into the sin of engaging in pre-marital and extra-marital relationships. I should get married to raise a righteous and pious family that is obedient to Allah and His messenger. I should get married to be able to have children who will follow in the footsteps of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and who will be inspired by the Islamic lifestyle and virtues of our pious predecessors. It will be unjust if I were to restrict my role as a mere breadwinner and not give sufficient time to my children.
According to a recent research by the Pew Research Center, “About six-in-ten dads say that they spend too little time with their kids.” From an Islamic perspective, for fathers not to spend quality time with their children is neither thinkable nor acceptable. This is because fathers are not only responsible for providing the living expenses for their children, but are also responsible to take care of their moral, ethical, and spiritual development. A father must promote Islamic morality by demonstrating to his children the values of truthfulness, kindness, keeping trusts, leniency, forbearance, generosity, hospitality, spreading greetings, charitable treatment, and fulfilling financial commitments. He must also teach his children to refrain from lying, betraying, harboring envy, hate or contempt towards others, cruelty, greed, and stinginess. He has to be a role model for his children. After all the Prophet (SAW) was sent to perfect noble qualities and morals for he said: “Verily, I was sent for no other reason, except to perfect the noble traits of character.”
This responsibility of the father towards his children cannot be delegated totally to the mother, who while taking care of the children is also pressurized with the execution and management of the household chores. No doubt, parenting is the joint responsibility of the mother and the father. It is observed, however, that the mother finds it more difficult than the father to control her college or university going teenage sons or daughters. Discipline plays an important part in child rearing, because it helps the child to develop an understanding of right and wrong behavior. Effective discipline is one of the building blocks of child rearing. It involves educating with a loving heart and being persistent about the consequences of right and wrong.
The father needs to sit with his children, eat with them, take them to the Masjid, read Quran with them, ask them about their school and about their friends, and be conscious about imparting them with knowledge that is based on Islamic morals, values, and teachings. There is no benefit for a father if his child goes to the best institution of higher learning, but is unable to recite the opening verse of the Quran. Also, success for a Muslim father is not dependant on his being rich or poor financially. A father who is rich financially but has children who are ignorant about Islam is in fact poor, and is most likely to lose his children. A father who is poor financially but has children who are knowledgeable about Islam and who practice Islam in their daily lives is indeed rich. Virtuous children pray for their parents even after they have passed away, and thus become a source of perpetual charity (Sadaqah Jariyyah) for their parents.
What is the way forward for Muslim fathers? Many times, they have poor relationships with their children. There is lack of dialogue, tenderness and affection. We need to creatively tap into Islamic values for solutions because that is what Muslim families are most likely to be receptive to. The father is more than just an individual. He can play an important role, far beyond just being the financial protector. The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) himself was a role model as a father. When his own daughter would come to him, he would stand up out of respect for her and kiss her on her forehead. We have forgotten these aspects of the Prophetic example.
How a father lovingly teaches and counsels his son about good conduct and behavior is brought forth beautifully in the Qur’an in the story of the wise sage Luqman.
وَإِذْ قَالَ لُقْمَانُ لِابْنِهِ وَهُوَ يَعِظُهُ يَا بُنَيَّ لَا تُشْرِكْ بِاللَّهِ إِنَّ الشِّرْكَ لَظُلْمٌ عَظِيمٌ
“And remember when Luqman said to his son, while advising him, “O my dear son! Never associate anything with Allah in worship, for associating others with Him is truly the worst of all wrongs.” (Luqman, 31:13).
The next advice Luqman gave to his son was to keep the prayers (salah) established; to enjoin others to whatever is good (ma’ruf) and forbid others from whatever is evil (munkar).
يَا بُنَيَّ أَقِمِ الصَّلَاةَ وَأْمُرْ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَانْهَ عَنِ الْمُنْكَرِ وَاصْبِرْ عَلَى مَا أَصَابَكَ إِنَّ ذَلِكَ مِنْ عَزْمِ الْأُمُورِ
“O my dear son! Establish prayer, encourage what is good and forbid what is evil, and endure patiently whatever befalls you. Surely this is something which requires firm resolve.” (Luqman, 31:17).
Another gem of advice that Luqman gives to his loving son is:
وَلَا تُصَعِّرْ خَدَّكَ لِلنَّاسِ وَلَا تَمْشِ فِي الْأَرْضِ مَرَحًا إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخْتَالٍ فَخُورٍ () وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِنْ صَوْتِكَ إِنَّ أَنْكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ
“And do not turn your cheek away from people with scorn or pride and do not walk proudly and haughtily on the earth, for Allah does not like anyone who is self-conceited, and boastful. Be modest in your gait and keep your voice low. Indeed, the most unpleasant of all the voices is the braying of the ass.”(Luqman, 31:18-19)
أَقُولُ قَوْلِي هَذَا وَأَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ لِي وَلَكُمْ وَلِسَائِرِ المُسْلِمينَ وَالمُسْلِمَاتْ فَاسْتَغْفِرُوهْ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على سيد المرسلين وعلى آله وأصحابه أجمعين
Brothers and sisters! Grown up children have to be treated in a friendly way and made to feel responsible. Young boys and young girls have a tendency to be independent, oversensitive, and sometimes even rebellious. The father should diminish the sense of authority in his speech and actions and regard the child from a different perspective. The youth’s ideas must be respected and never undermined or ridiculed. Thus, the child is given a chance to confide in him in case of troubles or decision-making.
There is a story that speaks about the best gift one can give to one’s father to make him happy. A young man asked a scholar how he could make his father happy. He was expecting that the scholar will tell him to buy an expensive gift for his father, but instead the scholar surprised the young man and told him that the best gift he could give to his father was that he became an obedient and righteous child. That will make his father the happiest person on earth. The scholar said that if the children only knew how much parents suffered from the disobedience of their offspring, when they see them going astray, then their obedience to their parents was the best gift ever to give to them.
Let me conclude by saying that showing gratitude and dutifulness to parents should not be confined to one day only because being dutiful to parents is not confined to a specific time. It is an obligation that should be observed every time. In Islam, every day is a Mother’s Day and every day is a Father’s Day.
وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلَا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا
“Worship Allah and do not associate anything with Him. And be good to your parents” (al-Nisa’, 4:36).
وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
“Any pray, ‘My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was small.” (al-Isra’, 17:24)
