Islamic Etiquette of Dealing with People 

Transcript of the Talk delivered by Dr. Munawar Haque on April 05, 2013 on occasion of AMDA’s Friday Family Night Event

الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على سيد المرسلين وعلى آله وأصحابه أجمعين

Brothers and sisters! Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

I have been asked to share some thoughts with you on the Islamic etiquette of dealing with people. Since this is a broad topic, I have decided to focus my talk on some of the diseases of the spiritual heart and their cure. Basically, it is the state of the heart that impacts our behavior and dealings with people. Islamic teachings put great emphasis on moral conduct and how we deal with people in our daily lives. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said,

" إِنَّمَا بُعِثْتُ لِأُتَمِّمَ صَالِحَ الْأَخْلَاقِ"

“Indeed I was sent to make perfect the moral conduct”

Besides the laws revealed by Allah (SWT) that are designed to govern our lives, the Qur'an has also indicated the code of ethics and etiquette, which we are advised to maintain in our dealings with each other. As Muslims, we, have to be aware of how each one of us deals with one another. Our good dealings will not only ensure that we are not violating other people’s rights but can also make us accepted, loved and appreciated by others. Experience shows that life becomes pleasant when we manage our relationships well with people.  

The human being as we know is made up of the body and the spirit. The essential reality of the human, however, lies in the spirit or rooh. According to a hadith, “There is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound, then the whole body is sound, and if it is corrupt, then the whole body is corrupt.  Indeed it is the heart.” Another hadith tells us that “Allah neither looks at your figures, nor at your outward appearance; He looks at your hearts and your deeds.”  The references in these Prophetic traditions are to the spiritual heart.

Now, just as there are diseases of the physical heart, there are also diseases of the spiritual heart. It is extremely important for the spiritual heart to be sound. Spiritual health is as important as physical health, if not more. Physical health is important for a meaningful life and success in this world, but spiritual health is essential for success both in this world and in the hereafter.

To feel good and get along well with people we have first to know what diseases of the spiritual heart we suffer from. Some of the diseases of the heart are: arrogance, showing off, jealousy, suspicion, backbiting, spying, anger, stinginess, making fun of others, and more. Let me very briefly touch upon them and see how getting rid of them can improve our relationships with people.

Arrogance or takabbur is the first step to many evils.  No one likes an arrogant or boastful person. It is so easy to get carried away by whatever we may possess of wealth and the good things of life. It is so easy to credit ourselves with our achievements and feel proud of them, and then, as a matter of course, to look down upon others who have not been able to reach what we might have achieved. Besides, arrogance is unjustified.  All the blessings and bounties that we have are from Allah. We are reminded in the Qur’an,   

وَمَا بِكُمْ مِنْ نِعْمَةٍ فَمِنَ اللَّهِ

Whatever blessing you have is from God (al-Nahal 16:53).

What did we have when we came to this world? Nothing! What will we have when we leave this world—nothing, except two pieces of cloth to have our bodies wrapped with by somebody else?  The way to avoid arrogance is to remember Allah as much as we can till it becomes a habit to instantly thank Him for any good that comes our way. Thankfulness to Allah creates humility in us and makes us aware that we would not have had all the good things of life if Allah had not willed them for us, nor can we retain them if He decides to take them away from us. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are totally dependent on Him for our very existence.

Showing off or riya’ is referred to as the “hidden shirk” (ash-shirk al-khafiy). This disease of the heart is so hidden and so dangerous that the one who feels safe from it is usually the one who gets entrapped in it. The meaning of a hadith suggests that just as the creeping of a black ant on a black rock on a pitch dark night is hidden and unnoticeable, so also is the unnoticeable disease of showing-off. For example, the one who writes so that people say he is a scholar is showing off.  The one who gives a lecture to impress the audience is showing off. Even the person who performs the salat becomes guilty of showing-off  if his or her intention is to show off and impress others.  The best cure for this disease is to check one’s intention (niyyah) before any action. Any action done should only be for the sake of Allah (SWT).

Jealousy (hasad) is another terrible disease. A person who is jealous or envious of another hurts himself by feelings of rage and frustration that consumes his heart, and in this process, he loses his peace of mind. One must realize that being jealous of others is actually being displeased with Allah for his bounties upon that person. Allah in His infinite wisdom bestows upon who He wills what He wills. We have to be able to deal with the situation by being grateful for what He has given us and being patient on what has not been given to us. It is not blameworthy for one to ask Allah to give him what has been given to another person, but it is blameworthy to ask for it to be taken away from that person. This disease is remedied by frequently praising the person against whom the jealousy is directed. Praise him no matter how difficult this may seem. Honor him and meet him with respect and humility.  Another treatment is to compete with others in acts of goodness and this should be an incentive to achieve more and do better.

Suspicion (zann or shak) or misgiving must also be avoided. A suspicious person usually thinks negatively of others.  Suspicion may sometimes lead to making wrong decisions. It is good to be cautious and careful, but it is also important to have a positive attitude about others. If we want to be trusted we must trust others as well. Allah says in the Qur’an,

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا اجْتَنِبُوا كَثِيرًا مِنَ الظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعْضَ الظَّنِّ إِثْمٌ

O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; verily some suspicion is a sin. (al-Hujurat 49:12).

It helps to think well of others. Even when we hear something negative about them, we should not just get carried away but should make discreet inquiries before jumping to conclusions. Attributing positive motives to others’ actions helps in understanding them better. Let us also remind ourselves whenever we attempt to judge others, that no one is perfect. We too have our own drawbacks which we would not like being mentioned or discussed. Hence fairness requires that we do good to others as we expect them to do good to us.

Backbiting or gheebah is also very common among people. Backbiting means to talk about someone in his or her absence, in a manner, which he or she does not like. It is one of the major sins in Islam. We should also have the moral sense and courage to stop others from backbiting for even if we don’t contribute to it, we become guilty of the sin by being silent listeners and participants. The best means of avoiding it is by changing the topic or saying sensibly that we don’t really know the whole truth of the matter. We should not be unfair to anyone by talking behind his back, and not giving him a chance to defend or clarify himself.

Spying (tajassus) or peeping into others people’s’ lives with the intention of exposing their faults or unveiling their secrets is also a sin. Allah says,  

وَلا تَجَسَّسُوا وَلا يَغْتَبْ بَعْضُكُمْ بَعْضًا

 And spy not, neither backbite one another” (al-Hujurat 49:12).

Anger is a natural human trait but if it is not properly controlled it becomes very destructive. In the Hadith it is called “fire.” The Prophet (SAW) is reported to have said that in a state of anger, one should change one’s environment, one’s position, and drink some water. He also said, “The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.”  

Stinginess is a terrible disease. The Prophet (SAW) taught us to seek Allah’s refuge from stinginess. It leads to an attitude of not caring for others. It holds people from fulfilling their duties and recognizing the rights of others. The Qur’an says,

وَمَنْ يَبْخَلْ فَإِنَّمَا يَبْخَلُ عَنْ نَفْسِهِ

And whoever is stingy is only being stingy to himself (Muhammad 47:38).

This is because Allah (SWT) multiplies what we spend in His way and gives it back to us both in this world as well as putting it towards our homes in Jannah. Thus, the miser is only miserly towards himself or herself.

Mocking others or taking pleasure in making fun of them is also a problem found among people. The ego craves for the satisfaction of proving oneself better than others by looking out for their weaknesses and laughing at them? But Allah admonishes us,

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا لَا يَسْخَرْ قَومٌ مِنْ قَوْمٍ عَسَى أَنْ يَكُونُوا خَيْرًا مِنْهُمْ

 O you who believe! Let not a group scoff at another group, it may be that the latter are better than the former” (al-Hujurat 49:11).

Allah tells us that our knowledge is restricted by our limited perception. Since we are not aware of any one’s real worth, would it not be foolish to laugh at those who might actually be better than us?

These are some of the negative aspects of human personality that should be avoided. How about some of the positive aspects of human behavior? Let us discuss some of them.

We all know, through a hadith that smiling at others is charity. We know very well what a sincere smile can convey—absence of ill feeling, acceptance, warmth, and the willingness to share our time and space. Let us not be miserly about brightening our face with a cheerful smile. We are drawn to people who smile. We should not let the differences we might have with people keep us away from greeting them with a smile. Smiling helps us to stay positive because when we smile our body is sending the message that life is good. Indeed, loving and giving are the essence of charity, so start now by meeting your family and friends with a smile.

Our beloved Prophet (SAW) was reported to be smiling the most. He would always show a smile to the people. He saw smile as a gift of joy; an emotional gift, not a material one; a gift whose substance is received by the heart. 

Also, expressing gratitude for favors done and help rendered is not only the basic requirement of good manners and social etiquette but has far reaching effects. It strengthens our relationship and adds warmth to it. On the other hand, taking others for granted, however close the relationship might be, causes disappointment and conveys the impression that we don’t know how to value people, that we just know how to use them! Thanks and appreciation expressed sincerely with a smile gives off a bright glow which is felt by the heart.

The whole purpose of our life is to prepare ourselves for the hereafter, and with this long term goal in mind we have to overcome pettiness and meanness. Our constant struggle is with two real enemies. One is Satan who keeps making the world more and more alluring for us. The other is our own ego that inflates our importance in our eyes beyond any sensible measure. It is these that cause conflicts and misunderstandings.

Brothers and sisters, each and every one of us should know which spiritual diseases we suffer from and try our utmost to get rid of them.  Spiritual health has to do with curing the diseases of the hearts. Remembrance of Allah is a cure for the hearts.  Reflecting upon the Qur’an is a cure for the hearts.  Leaving sins and doing righteous deeds is a cure for the hearts. Making sincere repentance to Allah is a cure for the hearts. Leaving bad company and being in the company of good people is a cure for the hearts. Being charitable is a cure for the hearts. And last but not least, remembering that we have one day to leave this world and being prepared for it is a cure for the hearts.

Bad habits picked up over the years in dealing with people can sometimes be difficult to let go and may not even seem that bad. We need to strive to keep on improving ourselves so that our families, friends, community members, and others can live together in peace and harmony.

May Allah (SWT) bless us all with physical, mental, and spiritual health, with pure Islamic fitrah and sound hearts. May Allah bless our families, the community, and the humanity at large. Allahumma Ameen.

أَقُولُ قَوْلِي هَذَا وَأَسْتَغْفِرُ اللَّهَ لِي وَلَكُمْ وَلِسَائِرِ المُسْلِمينَ وَالمُسْلِمَاتْ فَاسْتَغْفِرُوهْ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ 

وصل الله عَلَى خيرِ خَلقه مُحمَّدٍ وعلى آله وأصحابه أجمعين- بِرَحْمَتِكَ يا أرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِين

Wassalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

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